it's probably true. i spent all this time being angry at those who used to be my friends that i never dealt. i tried not to think about it. am i still in shock or something? is that really why i never cried?

It’s almost scary. I used to be such a sweet kid, always there to help, to care, the kind who asks why your msn name is so sad and if you want to talk about it. And now I hate them all, taking pleasure in hurting their pathetic little feelings and so help me god I don’t want to stop until I make someone cry their motherfucking heart out.

And that, my friends, takes practice. Haha!

She hangs up the phone and considers bolting upstairs. This room was spinning now, the news echoed off the walls. She ran up to her bed and sat, clinging to herself fighting not to let it sink in. Repeatedly thinking “no, no, no, no” faintly helped, but it couldn’t dissipate the scream that was caught between her vocal cords. She caught hold of a pillow corner, held on tightly enough to turn her knuckles red. Possible scenes of how it happened started to flood her brain while she struggled between denial and waiting for her turn.
Days later she stood among immediate family under the scorching sun, they sang the gospel of the lord who allowed this, hugging and holding hands. They were throwing roses into the earth while she stared down the hole in the ground. It was the deepest she’d ever seen. She stood there waiting for something to push her down. There was nothing else to want.

i realized i'm likely never going to get better. i'll always be sick because my body is llacking, in strength and hemoglobins (although i thought it was white blood cells that assured health...?) and what little i had is depleting at a frightening rate.
theoratically this could be fixed, except, this is the real world and school doesn't just -stop- and neither does work (well it can, but who survives without revenue?) and even if it did there are always pressing issues which require full, constant devotion and attention (at least in my life).